Working day

This morning I worked for a sick colleague, took so long to get there with all the ice etc but it was a good morning. Funnily enough there was a volunteer there too, who was also English, and we had some very useful information exchanges. She was able to tell me quite a lot of new information that I didn't know before, about where to look for work etc. and I also talked to our senior about my job interview, which was also useful to me. He said that they were keen to find something for me within our cluster if it is is at all possible, which I really appreciated hearing, but whether anything will come of it I don't know.............

Do you have someone that you want to tell things to, even if they are painful memories, just so that they can have a better understanding about why you might react so strongly to things that happen to you? I do, and I was glad that I was able to do that today. I think it is so difficult sharing one's vulnerabilities with others - well, for me anyway - that it takes a lot of courage for me to do it. I had a restless feeling inside which sort of told me I needed to unburden and share something, and although it made me feel sad later on, it was the right thing to do. I did not feel judged or mis-understood, only relieved that I had the chance to share it. At the same time it made me have to face up to facets of my character that are not very strong, and question why events that happen to me, do. Do I not defend myself properly? Why do I fear rejection so much? What is it about me that other people think that I can be badly treated and they can get away with it because I don't believe in retaliating? Am I too soft for my own good or is it something from a former life experience that pre-disposes me to needless suffering? Whoa, that is a bit heavy, even for me?!!!! I don't know the answers I guess. And even knowing that this is my weakness, do I want to change it or do I want to accept it is the way I am and only need to learn how to deal with it better in the future? You can see why I need to blog!!!! Confusion reigns supreme in my head right now! I think this is enough philosophizing for one evening folks...................I need to turn my attention to matters closer to home right now. Stick with me on this one - there is still a long way to go!

Sue xx

Thought of the day.

'the life you have led

doesn't need to be the

only life that you have'.

Anna Quinlan.

I can't do this!!!

I am finding it so difficult to ignore the fact that I miss my blogging/writing very, very much! It feels so strange not having my daily 'talk to the airwaves' ( instead of the trees!) and I am feeling terrible about it. I have had such wonderful reactions about my decision to stop writing, that my heart has been warmed up again and I am trying to decide how I can continue with my writing without causing myself even more heartache than I have already suffered. It ought to be possible, surely? I have discussed this with my husband who feels that I ought to continue if it makes me happier, therefore if he is okay with it, then so am I...........as I believe everyone else ought to be too!! Maybe I cannot tell you all that I am feeling or everything that is happening in my little world, like I used to be free to do, but I am going to try and find a middle-way because it is important to me and I want to continue. Thank you for being patient with me this week!!!! :-)

So what's new? Finka has a cold and is enduring eye salve three times a day, much to her irritation. It was so nice yesterday when we took her to our vets as they were curious to see her after what had to happen with Xander. We have an interesting vet! She seems convinced that I have a son who is actually older than me..........and I cannot seem to shake her ideas about this! So I am taking Tim with me on Thursday so that she can probably ask me whether he is my grandson or not....................I find it amusing anyway, and it lightens the day! The worrying part is how old she actually thinks I must be?!!! Time to take action and get some colour back into my hair!

The weather and the black ice yesterday morning caused us so many problems. We were due to be in Alkmaar for 8.45am so that Tim could take his scooter test once more. Because of the snow and black ice on the roads we sat in the traffic for two and a half hours, on a journey that normally takes 39 minutes! We tried phoning the CBR to tell them what was happening but you only get an answer service in Amsterdam that keeps asking you to press in another number, but no human ever comes on the line! We continued on to Alkmaar in the vain hope that Tim would be allowed to take the following exam if someone didn't show up for that either. But no, that is not the system, and the system rules. There was little point in arguing so we eventually spent another 2 hours in the car on the way home, Tim feeling very low and disappointed, and me frustrated for him. However, we are going to try ONCE more, and if he doesn't pass then, he is throwing in the towel!! He is home today with a dreadful cold, and temperature, probably from freezing in the cold yesterday! Such is life, disappointments as well as triumphs, but sometimes the dice does feel rather heavily loaded one way or the other......................

Sue xx

A very sad goodbye

It is with such sorrow that I have decided that my blog needs to close. There are personal reasons that I cannot share with you, too painful to even think about, but it has to be this way at the moment, and I thank you one and all for reading it over the past few years.

Writing is a cathartic process. It enables one to off-load and deal with emotions and feelings that would otherwise lead us into despair or elation. Depends which is good for you at the time!! For me it has helped me deal with my loneliness. People never imagine that one can be alone in a crowded room, or a home, or at work, or just in the street, but you can. It is a state of mind, a place one goes to when things are just too hard or too complicated to share with anyone else. Sometimes it is a safe haven from the rest of the world, but mostly it is because the rest of the world has let you down, and failed to see the beautiful person you really are. So this is it. Goodbye and thank you once again.

Sue xx

Xanders Burial

TIm digging the grave in the back garden. Sara gave Xander this drawing to go on top of his box. Sara adding some snow on top of the soil....... Rest In Peace Xander. He loved biting the heads off tulips so we gave him some today as well.

Sue xx

Xander was buried today.

This afternoon we buried Xander in our back garden. I have taken photos but they are not correctly uploading right now, so will try again later. We laid a picture from Sara on his box and two tulips; his favourite flowers to bite the heads off!! It was bitterly cold but the ground was soft so Tim was able to dig it easily enough to the right depth. I will plan some tulips on top in the next few days as they will always be associated with Xander. I feel sad still but this is all part of the acceptance process, so in a way I am glad it took so long to do, not rushed or hurried, but in our own time. God rest our beloved pet in his sunny garden here at home.

Sue xx

A new chapter for us

So, things were not getting any easier for us, having lost Xander so suddenly and without really any time to accept that it was inevitable. The sadness we all feel has not gone away, so we discussed it yesterday and decided that we needed a new friend for Genghis as well as we three. Looking on the internet we saw there was a suitable 4 month old girlie who lived very nearby, so we arranged to go and see her....................and the amazing thing is, she is actually related to Genghis!!!! She is a Seal Point Siamese, born on 17 August 2009 - co-incidentally the SAME BIRTHDAY AS XANDERS was..........amazing fact! And her great, great grandfather is GENGHIS'S FATHER!!! When I saw the name on her family tree, I simply couldn't believe my eyes. We got home and double checked, and yes, there is was, Sherekhan from England. It is not surprising as he was a Champion Siamese and must have been mated many many times, but this was just incredible. Meant to be, some might say.......... We got her home and wrapped her up in my comfort cardie, as we do all new kittens, and there she remained the rest of the day and evening! She seemed happy enough so I took her to bed with me, and had a box by the bed, but madam slept the whole night wrapped around my neck instead! She is a very affectionate little skinny thing, but she did eat well around 3am this morning when I offered her some bambix!! Since then she has hidden herself in every corner of the living room she can find, and is currently under the radiator sleeping. Genghis is not happy to see that it is not his Xander and is rather grumpy and growly but that will pass. He has to adapt too, and she will want to play once she gets settled so we have to be patient.

I do feel happier in myself now that I have a different focus, but still shed tears in the night for my boy, and although she will never replace him, we all hope that she will bring new joy into our home - and lots of talking!!!!

Sue xx

ALEXANDER the GREAT

This song is for Xander. We are just missing him so very much right now, and the words to this sum up exactly what we are feeling so I am going to use it to say how much we have gained from his presence in our lives and how we will always remember him. A very special and loved cat for us all. Seeing Genghis so lost without him is awful, and I am sure this is what he is thinking too.

So, WESTLIFE singing "I'll See You Again."

Sue xx

Its oh so quiet.....

The quietness here is deafening. I am not getting used to it at all, and Genghis has taken to following me around everywhere, refusing to be left alone downstairs if I come up here for something! He is lost without his friend too.

It has snowed overnight but the roads were reasonable when I took Tim to work just now. He has got his girlfriend coming this afternoon, for the first time here, so there were pleading words of 'please finish my room, mum!' as he got out of the car! I suppose I will help him, but he had plenty of time yesterday and chose to do other things with it, so I am not going to go overboard and make the place shine! It will be nice to finally meet her.

So, what am I going to do with myself today? There is ironing outstanding; a trip to the market this morning and the picture framers; baking a cake or two would be fun.....and stave the hunger pangs off which Tim gets late in the evening! And then there are the books I bought whilst in England. I love the 3 for 2 in Waterstones!!!! The ones I bought this time were also for Tim to read, so I am getting through my selection at top speed. One is about a man and his cat so that is not going to be read any time soon..........back burner or give-away..........the huge one that was as light as a feather to read I got through in one day coming back on the boat; light and fluffy read but ok if one doesn't want to concentrate too hard. The one about the woman caring for her mother whilst rekindling an affair with a former boyfriend took a little longer but it was soon out! And now I am starting one that refuses to describe itself on the sleeve, stating only that it is a surprise and one that you have to read without knowing anything about it! I am liking the style of the author so far, so am willing to give it a chance although I am famous for being that terrible person who always reads the ending first. I know, terrible isn't it?! But there it is. A lifetimes habit that I enjoy so am not going to give up. I cannot abide reading a long book only to find that the author ran out of steam in the last chapter and just scribbled anything down just to be done writing it! So, if the ending is worthwhile, I read the book.

I also take a fancy to book covers and titles. As I glanced at, and picked up one with the title

"The girl with glass feet" my daughter said " I knew you would read that one!" It is intriguing I admit, but goes well with my " The elegance of a hedgehog" that I also had for Christmas, and the other books on my shelves!!!

Oh well, I've drunk my tea so I guess the next chore on my list is Tim's room..............he claims just folding clothes will be enough but I suspect there is more to it than that!

Sue xx