Working day

This morning I worked for a sick colleague, took so long to get there with all the ice etc but it was a good morning. Funnily enough there was a volunteer there too, who was also English, and we had some very useful information exchanges. She was able to tell me quite a lot of new information that I didn't know before, about where to look for work etc. and I also talked to our senior about my job interview, which was also useful to me. He said that they were keen to find something for me within our cluster if it is is at all possible, which I really appreciated hearing, but whether anything will come of it I don't know.............

Do you have someone that you want to tell things to, even if they are painful memories, just so that they can have a better understanding about why you might react so strongly to things that happen to you? I do, and I was glad that I was able to do that today. I think it is so difficult sharing one's vulnerabilities with others - well, for me anyway - that it takes a lot of courage for me to do it. I had a restless feeling inside which sort of told me I needed to unburden and share something, and although it made me feel sad later on, it was the right thing to do. I did not feel judged or mis-understood, only relieved that I had the chance to share it. At the same time it made me have to face up to facets of my character that are not very strong, and question why events that happen to me, do. Do I not defend myself properly? Why do I fear rejection so much? What is it about me that other people think that I can be badly treated and they can get away with it because I don't believe in retaliating? Am I too soft for my own good or is it something from a former life experience that pre-disposes me to needless suffering? Whoa, that is a bit heavy, even for me?!!!! I don't know the answers I guess. And even knowing that this is my weakness, do I want to change it or do I want to accept it is the way I am and only need to learn how to deal with it better in the future? You can see why I need to blog!!!! Confusion reigns supreme in my head right now! I think this is enough philosophizing for one evening folks...................I need to turn my attention to matters closer to home right now. Stick with me on this one - there is still a long way to go!

Sue xx