A very sad goodbye

It is with such sorrow that I have decided that my blog needs to close. There are personal reasons that I cannot share with you, too painful to even think about, but it has to be this way at the moment, and I thank you one and all for reading it over the past few years.

Writing is a cathartic process. It enables one to off-load and deal with emotions and feelings that would otherwise lead us into despair or elation. Depends which is good for you at the time!! For me it has helped me deal with my loneliness. People never imagine that one can be alone in a crowded room, or a home, or at work, or just in the street, but you can. It is a state of mind, a place one goes to when things are just too hard or too complicated to share with anyone else. Sometimes it is a safe haven from the rest of the world, but mostly it is because the rest of the world has let you down, and failed to see the beautiful person you really are. So this is it. Goodbye and thank you once again.

Sue xx

Xanders Burial

TIm digging the grave in the back garden. Sara gave Xander this drawing to go on top of his box. Sara adding some snow on top of the soil....... Rest In Peace Xander. He loved biting the heads off tulips so we gave him some today as well.

Sue xx

Xander was buried today.

This afternoon we buried Xander in our back garden. I have taken photos but they are not correctly uploading right now, so will try again later. We laid a picture from Sara on his box and two tulips; his favourite flowers to bite the heads off!! It was bitterly cold but the ground was soft so Tim was able to dig it easily enough to the right depth. I will plan some tulips on top in the next few days as they will always be associated with Xander. I feel sad still but this is all part of the acceptance process, so in a way I am glad it took so long to do, not rushed or hurried, but in our own time. God rest our beloved pet in his sunny garden here at home.

Sue xx

A new chapter for us

So, things were not getting any easier for us, having lost Xander so suddenly and without really any time to accept that it was inevitable. The sadness we all feel has not gone away, so we discussed it yesterday and decided that we needed a new friend for Genghis as well as we three. Looking on the internet we saw there was a suitable 4 month old girlie who lived very nearby, so we arranged to go and see her....................and the amazing thing is, she is actually related to Genghis!!!! She is a Seal Point Siamese, born on 17 August 2009 - co-incidentally the SAME BIRTHDAY AS XANDERS was..........amazing fact! And her great, great grandfather is GENGHIS'S FATHER!!! When I saw the name on her family tree, I simply couldn't believe my eyes. We got home and double checked, and yes, there is was, Sherekhan from England. It is not surprising as he was a Champion Siamese and must have been mated many many times, but this was just incredible. Meant to be, some might say.......... We got her home and wrapped her up in my comfort cardie, as we do all new kittens, and there she remained the rest of the day and evening! She seemed happy enough so I took her to bed with me, and had a box by the bed, but madam slept the whole night wrapped around my neck instead! She is a very affectionate little skinny thing, but she did eat well around 3am this morning when I offered her some bambix!! Since then she has hidden herself in every corner of the living room she can find, and is currently under the radiator sleeping. Genghis is not happy to see that it is not his Xander and is rather grumpy and growly but that will pass. He has to adapt too, and she will want to play once she gets settled so we have to be patient.

I do feel happier in myself now that I have a different focus, but still shed tears in the night for my boy, and although she will never replace him, we all hope that she will bring new joy into our home - and lots of talking!!!!

Sue xx

ALEXANDER the GREAT

This song is for Xander. We are just missing him so very much right now, and the words to this sum up exactly what we are feeling so I am going to use it to say how much we have gained from his presence in our lives and how we will always remember him. A very special and loved cat for us all. Seeing Genghis so lost without him is awful, and I am sure this is what he is thinking too.

So, WESTLIFE singing "I'll See You Again."

Sue xx

Its oh so quiet.....

The quietness here is deafening. I am not getting used to it at all, and Genghis has taken to following me around everywhere, refusing to be left alone downstairs if I come up here for something! He is lost without his friend too.

It has snowed overnight but the roads were reasonable when I took Tim to work just now. He has got his girlfriend coming this afternoon, for the first time here, so there were pleading words of 'please finish my room, mum!' as he got out of the car! I suppose I will help him, but he had plenty of time yesterday and chose to do other things with it, so I am not going to go overboard and make the place shine! It will be nice to finally meet her.

So, what am I going to do with myself today? There is ironing outstanding; a trip to the market this morning and the picture framers; baking a cake or two would be fun.....and stave the hunger pangs off which Tim gets late in the evening! And then there are the books I bought whilst in England. I love the 3 for 2 in Waterstones!!!! The ones I bought this time were also for Tim to read, so I am getting through my selection at top speed. One is about a man and his cat so that is not going to be read any time soon..........back burner or give-away..........the huge one that was as light as a feather to read I got through in one day coming back on the boat; light and fluffy read but ok if one doesn't want to concentrate too hard. The one about the woman caring for her mother whilst rekindling an affair with a former boyfriend took a little longer but it was soon out! And now I am starting one that refuses to describe itself on the sleeve, stating only that it is a surprise and one that you have to read without knowing anything about it! I am liking the style of the author so far, so am willing to give it a chance although I am famous for being that terrible person who always reads the ending first. I know, terrible isn't it?! But there it is. A lifetimes habit that I enjoy so am not going to give up. I cannot abide reading a long book only to find that the author ran out of steam in the last chapter and just scribbled anything down just to be done writing it! So, if the ending is worthwhile, I read the book.

I also take a fancy to book covers and titles. As I glanced at, and picked up one with the title

"The girl with glass feet" my daughter said " I knew you would read that one!" It is intriguing I admit, but goes well with my " The elegance of a hedgehog" that I also had for Christmas, and the other books on my shelves!!!

Oh well, I've drunk my tea so I guess the next chore on my list is Tim's room..............he claims just folding clothes will be enough but I suspect there is more to it than that!

Sue xx

My darling boy

Our darling cat Xander has cancer. I heard that from the vet yesterday, so he came home with me last night and this morning I have to say goodbye to him. There are no words to express how sad we all are, and how heart-broken I feel. Maybe later I can write a better and more fitting epitaph for him, but now I am going for last cuddles and hugs and time with him.

Sue xx

Xander sick

Last night I thought there was something wrong with our cat Xander; one instinctively recognises that they are not their usual self I guess, and I noticed that his coat was drier and more 'stary' than normal. Then today I thought I saw him breathing a little more laboured so I have rung the vet and am taking him along shortly. He is just sitting on his hottie and breathing heavily and not being a happy bunny at all!!! Xander always picks this time of year to be ill. Twice he has spent Christmas in a cage due to his knee operations and now this!! I wonder if he is one of those cats that ought to live in the Caribbean, and just hates the cold?! It snowed last night too, but the roads are clear at the moment and Peter is on his way to the Black Forest for a few days and he said it was really warm when passing through south Holland! There are claims of 6 inches of snow in Purmerend, but I think that is only someone exaggerating.........................we have far less here of course!! ;-)

Well time to get Xander into his carrier and see what the verdict is. Fingers crossed.

Sue xx

ONE LITTLE WORD for 2009

I am a huge fan of Ali Edwards and each year she chooses a word to give her inspiration and focus for the coming 12 months. At Christmas we all chose a word and mine is DARE. Ann chose LOVE; Peters is SPARKLE, William had ENJOY and Lilys is HOPE. This is what I feel about it: My word is DARE. Dare to be ME; to go after what I believe in this year; to turn 50 in February and appreciate the watershed in my life by daring to take on the things I feel passionate about and not caring what others feel about my choices. Dare to change; both personally and in my interactions with family and friends. Dare to embrace new challenges and to stick with my style and way of scrapping and feel the pleasure I get from making something for another.I am not a daring person, so this is the perfect opportunity for me to learn to love this word!!!! I need to dare to speak up for myself more and not allow others to run over my feelings without saying why I feel hurt or disappointed. Being a hyper-sensitive Piscean and person, this is something I am terribly bad at! I suffer in silence and let it all churn away inside me way too often! People will tell you I am assertive and like to take the lead and 'be in charge" of things, but I am really a shy and introvertive person who has learnt that this is a great way of hiding that from the world!! I used to count to 10 before I dare say anything to a patient I was meeting for the first time!!! I have always been given the role of leader whether I wanted it or not, so I suppose that is what the outside world gets to see about one... so, DARE it is this year! What is your word of inspiration going to be?............ HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Sue x